Its all coming back to me

Its been a while since I sat down to blogging and the most important reason of holding back was family. They needed me most. Not that they dont need me anymore but I have finally got some time for MySpace. 
Talking of family.. well i can bet everyone would instantly remember the loved ones especially dad, mom, spouse and kid. May be the picture would highlight whom you are missing the most in life at that moment. So when i close my eyes right now I can only see my father. I remember getting up sheepisly to his calls.. sometimes I would pretend to be asleep only to be cuddled by him. He would get me ready for school. He was my make up artist too then .. would neatly tie my hair and drop me to school. Enroute we would take chance to twitch flower from someone's garden. I also remember waiting for dad in the evening whe he would carry me home from the neighbour's home and talk to me endlessly about his day at office. I admit i didnt understand a word but I would still listen keenly to keep him going. we used also listen to some songs in the evening. He introdced me the world of ghazals, hip-hop, melodies..MUSIC inshort. I still owe everything to him for my taste of music. The other day my friend happened to compliment me about my selection of songs that I post on Facebook and I was so happy cause deep within I knew its all because of my dad. It was all carefree life back then. For me Love was defined in a single word DAD.
Today that he isnt with us anymore I can feel the vaccuum he left in my life particularly. We came to know about Dad's illness around april last year. Hell struck on us. I couldn't come in terms with the fact of loosing my dad to Cancer...I didnt want to..
But since God had other plans for him and me..I had no choice but to accept this decision of His. I would not want to use terrible but each day since April 23, 2009 has been a nightmare for me. The day I landed Home to see my father.. I can't forget that moment when we both saw each other.. silence was all that prevailed. I didnt know if i should be pretend to be happy so that he feels everything will be alright. i tried my best to hold back my tears as much as I could and may be he did the same.. silence said it all for us. I regret that I didnt hug him and cry my heart out and today even if I want I can't. I'm not sure if he wanted to let go his feelings too. I understand nowthat Dad has been a strong character..much stronger than I had imagined. A stature I could hardly be ever in life.. Even though he knew that he wouldnt survive long he never seemed to tremble. May be he didnt want us to be in pain. May be he bore all the pain for us. day after day, things got in more and more complicated. the medicines wouldn't work, the doctors all zapped.. everyone was undergoing lot of tension but dad still stood strong and was my pillar of strength. I took strength from him as he did from me.
Slowly he started loosing his strength to cancer though.. The pain was unbearable forhim and his cries still ring in my ears. I stood helpless not being able to do anything to ease his pain. What was worse was the fact that I couldnt even cry my heart out. For once I hated God too.
My dad has been the most handsome man i have seen in my life. Yet in those 6 months time my dad's face lost all its charm.. his skin gave in to wrinkles..he looked old..perhaps more than his age.. what still remained intact was his voice.. It still had magic.
 The third phase which neary has destroyed me started sometime in september 2009 when he started loosing his memory. I dont know if anyone can sense the pain a child would have when its parent refuses to recognise it. My father forgot who I was. The cancer had now spread to his brain. He would constantly loose track of what he was talking..all one could hear was a continuous blabber night thru day...it was more scary than anything i have ever or will ever see in life. I saw death near him. I knew his days were numbered and that thought didnt let me live. Even though I would sound cheerful to the outside world I knew how difficult it was to keep up with all this. Whenever I was out of home I would time my activities in such a way that i could be back home as soon as possible.. and everytime i would be making my way back home i also carried a fear..fear of loosing love that dad has personified for me. I still shiver when I try to recall the last day of his with us. He was in a bad state since morning..breatheless throughout the day. Mom sensed it and so tried to rope in best medical facilities available.. another effort to save her husband. I saw him giving away to death. One last time i wanted him to hear me call and so I called out for dad..he eyes moved in my direction and I knew it was going to be the last. The doctor came in to declare that my father was no longer with us and I sat in the room like an idiot hoping he would just rule out my worst fears. Sad yet true the doctor just confirmed that dad is no longer a part of my life. philosophically as I can put it..he moved on to working on the bigger plans God had for him.. he forgot his little girl behind...

To this moment when I'm penning my thoughts..Its the most difficult thing for me to accept. I wish I hadn't been there during his last days.. somehow it would had eased me off this pain is what I feel. It could also be guilt.. guilt that i didnt knw how I coudl save him..that I didnt knw what were his last wishes.. that i didnt knw if he wanted to live more...that i didnt knw wht i coul dhave done for him. My life is no longer the same. And everyone tells me time would heal this sooner or later.. I'm pretty sure I can't get over this ever in my life because I loved him so much. And that vaccumm he left can only be filled by him..none other.. I love u dad..miss u..And I hope wherever you are, u miss me too :)...